Jesus Is Watching You...
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
Sack, a strange,disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When
he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
My neighbor has a rottweiler puppy he's giving away FREE! It's house
broken, and great with kids. He's giving it away because his wife says the
dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that it gives her the creeps.
Personally, I think she is just weird!
If you're interested in adopting the dog, or know someone who is, let me
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to
reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and
hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she
decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words
'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go
out with me."
The sturdy, muscular rottweiler speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you
"Um? well, I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is a
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the
Rottweiler and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Dont Mess With Cuddles
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a safari in Africa, taking her faithful
aged rottweiler named Cuddles along for company.
One day the rottweiler starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old rottweiler thinks, "Uh oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap the old rottweiler exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
leopard, "That was close! That old rottweiler nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old rottweiler sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
Now, the old rottweiler sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old rottweiler
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill! B.S. and brilliance only come with age and experience!
Jokes, Stories and More.....
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for
hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first
time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. What a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end
of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in
Alaska, after all.
December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my behind on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood
stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day.
The stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find
a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware
store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By
the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.
December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the
house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the guy who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken
shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with
her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darn snowplow.
December 25 Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my
shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only
charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The wife is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his behind. The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you
can do for him? " "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him. " So he picks the dog up
and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him
down" "Just because he's cross-eyed? " says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the
> Old Man and the Dog
> by Catherine
> "Watch out! You nearly broad sided that car!" My
> father yelled at me.
> "Can't you do anything right?"
> Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward
> the elderly man
> in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump
> rose in my throat
> as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another
> "I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when
> I'm driving."
> My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than
> I really felt.
> Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At
> home I left Dad in
> front of the television and went outside to collect my
> thoughts. Dark, heavy
> clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble
> of distant thunder
> seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about
> Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and
> Oregon . He
> had enjoyed being
> outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against
> the forces of
> nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions,
> and had placed
> The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that
> attested to his
> The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he
> couldn't lift a heavy
> log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him
> outside alone,
> straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone
> teased him about
> his advancing
> age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a
> Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart
> attack. An
> ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic
> administered CPR to
> keep blood and oxygen flowing.
> At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He
> was lucky; he
> survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life
> was gone. He
> obstinately refused to follow doctor's orders.
> Suggestions and offers of
> help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number
> of visitors
> thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left
> My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on
> our small farm. We
> hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him
> Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the
> invitation. It seemed
> nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I
> frustrated and moody. Soon I was
> taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We
> began to bicker and argue.
> Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the
> situation. The
> clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At
> the close of each
> session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled
> But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to
> be done and it
> was up to me to do it.
> The next day I sat down with the phone book and
> methodically called each of
> the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I
> explained my problem
> to each of the sympathetic voices that answered in vain.
> Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly
> exclaimed, "I
> just read something that might help you! Let me go get the
> I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable
> study done at a
> nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for
> depression. Yet their attitudes had
> improved dramatically when they were
> given responsibility for a dog.
> I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I
> filled out a
> questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels.
> The odor of
> disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of
> pens. Each
> contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs,
> curly-haired dogs, black
> dogs, spotted dogs all jumped up, trying to reach me. I
> studied each one but
> rejected one after the other for various reasons too big,
> too small, too
> much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of
> the far corner
> struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and
> sat down. It was a
> pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this
> was a caricature of
> the breed.
> Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray.
> His hip bones
> jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that
> caught and held
> my attention. Calm and clear, they
> beheld me unwaveringly.
> I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about
> The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement.
> "He's a funny one.
> Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We
> brought him in,
> figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was
> two weeks ago
> and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow."
> He gestured helplessly.
> As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror.
> "You mean you're going
> to kill him?"
> "Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our
> policy. We don't have room for every
> unclaimed dog."
> I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited
> my decision.
> "I'll take him," I said.
> I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me..
> When I reached the
> house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out
> of the car when
> Dad shuffled onto the front porch. "Ta-da! Look what I
> got for you, Dad!" I
> said excitedly.
> looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had
> wanted a dog I
> would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better
> specimen than
> that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it" Dad
> waved his arm scornfully
> and turned back toward the house.
> Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat
> muscles and pounded
> into my temples. "You'd better get used to him,
> Dad. He's staying!"
> Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, Dad?" I
> At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at
> his sides, his
> eyes narrowed and blazing with hate.
> We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly
> the pointer
> pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat
> down in front of
> him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.
> Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted
> paw. Confusion
> replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited
> patiently. Then Dad was
> on his
> knees hugging the animal.
> It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad
> named the
> pointer Cheyenne .
> Together he and Cheyenne
> explored the community. They
> spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent
> reflective moments on
> the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even
> started to attend
> Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and
> Cheyenne lying
> quietly at
> his feet.
> Dad and Cheyenne were
> inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad's
> bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made
> many friends. Then late one night
> I was startled to feel Cheyenne's
> cold nose burrowing through our bed
> covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night.
> I woke Dick, put
> on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in
> his bed, his face
> serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the
> Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I
> discovered Cheyenne
> dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the
> rag rug he had slept
> on As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I
> silently thanked
> the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's
> peace of mind.
> The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and
> dreary. This day looks
> the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to
> the pews reserved
> for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and
> Cheyenne had
> made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It
> was a tribute to
> both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the
> pastor turned to
> Hebrews 13:2. "Do not neglect to show hospitality to
> strangers, for by this
> some have entertained angels without knowing it."
> "I've often thanked God for sending that
> angel," he said.
> For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle
> that I had not seen
> before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right
> unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. . ..his calm
> acceptance and complete devotion to my father. . and the
> proximity of their
> deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had
> answered my prayers
> after all.
> Life is too short for drama petty things, so laugh
> hard, love truly and
> forgive quickly. Live While You Are Alive. Forgive now
> those who made you
> cry. You might not get a Second Chance.
The Four Candles burned slowly.
Their ambiance was so soft you could hear them speak...
The first candle said, "I Am Peace, but these days, nobody wants to keep me lit."
Then Peace's flame slowly diminished and went out completely.
The second candle said, "I Am Faith, but these days, I am no longer indispensable."
Then Faith's flame slowly diminished and went out completely.
Sadly the third candle spoke, "I Am Love and I haven't the strength to stay lit any
"People put me aside and don't understand my importance.
They even forget to love those who are nearest to them."
And waiting no longer, Love went out completely.
A child entered the room and saw the three candles no longer burning.
The child began to cry,
Why are you not burning? You are supposed to stay lit until the end."
Then the Fourth Candle spoke gently to the little boy,
"Don't be afraid, for I Am Hope, and while I still burn,
we can re-light the other candles."
With shining eyes, the child took the Candle of Hope
and lit the other three candles.
Never let the Flame of Hope go out.
With Hope in your life, no matter how bad things may be,
Peace, Faith and Love may shine brightly once again.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark
at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you
back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make
them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer
all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about
twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the
cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next
forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey
tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which -- To burn
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the
milk for free.
Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because
women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use
25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front
of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
I dunno, why do we?
A Useless Life
Spiritual Story by Unknown
A farmer got so old that he couldn't work the fields anymore. So he
would spend the day just sitting on the porch. His son, still working
the farm, would look up from time to time and see his father sitting
there. "He's of no use any more," the son thought to himself, "he
doesn't do anything!"
One day the son got so frustrated by this, that he built a wooden
coffin, dragged it over to the porch, and told his father to get in.
Without saying anything, the father climbed inside. After closing
the lid, the son dragged the coffin to the edge of the farm where
there was a huge cliff. As he approached the drop, he heard a light
tapping on the lid from inside the coffin.
He opened it up. Still lying there peacefully, the father looked up at
his son. "I know you are going to throw me over the cliff, but before
you do, may I suggest something?"
"What is it?" replied the son.
"Throw me over the cliff, if you like," said the father, "but save this
good wooden coffin... Your children might need to use it."